Friday, 7 September 2012

the last few days.

So a lot has happened the last few days, and although I am not going into detail on such an open site I just need to unload a little.

I have lost complete faith in myself, in everything I do and in every where that I happen to me. I am losing touch with myself and who I am, and every time I try and turn a corner I face a dead end. And I know this all sounds very cliche but this is how life is for me. I have been through things, I have seen and done things that people my age shouldn't have to go through, see or do, and it eats me up inside. These last few days have been hard and tough on me mentally, physically and emotionally and I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. And this is probably not making sense to anyone, and that is probably a good thing, and I am probably going to delete this at some point in the foreseeable future. However, for now, life is shit (excuse the language) and I haven't a clue what to do.

I hate telling my best friend everything, even though she wants to be there for me and wants me to be happy, I feel bad for always burdening her, she has a stressful life too, but right now, at this very point in time, she is the only one I can talk to. She may not understand what I am feeling but she can listen and be my friend and guide me and although I don't want to be in school I wish tomorrow wasn't a Saturday because I need to see her and I need her to tell me that despite my choices these last few days everything will be fine. We both know for a while it won't be, but when you are feeling like this it is the best thing to hear.

I know for a fact you're reading this, you always do, but for now please just know this - I love you and I am sorry for all of this and it will all be fine, eventually, but we both have a lot of things that need to be sorted out and they need to be done on our own. I stand by what I did, even though you cannot see it, but it was for the best. And I love you, more than I love myself and more than I want to live. I want Eva II and Thomas to realise that the things that happened in our past don't define us and don't hinder our futures, because we are both learning that the hard way, and I want them to know whatever happens we will be there. I have just seen a quote on tumblr which, right now, I think you will appreciate.

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
It is so true. And the things I have done are mistakes, but we will get out of this, we will grow from this and we will be okay again. But we both need time, and I am sorry for that.

I love you. And I'm sorry these last few days have been hard. 

They have been hard on me too.
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