Monday, 26 May 2014

CATCH UP | crazy little life

as you can probably guess from the title, i have had a crazy little life recently. and it wasn't until today that i decided to post this. i owe you guys some sort of explanation as to why i haven't posted recently, and why my posting has been rather erratic. you obviously know some things but i want you to know the whole story.

as you do know, my manager and supervisor left at the end of february and since then i have stepped up and done what i can to keep the concession running. i would call myself an acting manager, and for a while i believed i was, but now i am not so sure. i am doing everything a manager would, but no longer with the pay grade to cover it and no longer with the job satisfaction i used to have. i have been working 6, often 7 days a week to keep the concession going, and although we do not often hit our weekly target we are still above water and that is fine. however, you will also probably know i have been looking, for a while now, for a new job. i have tried to get a promotion with Moda and that has fallen through, i have tried to get more hours at Screwfix and again that has fallen through, i have been for an interview at Wagamamas and was supposed to have one at Benefit (unfortunately it would be every sunday and at the moment i cannot commit to that which i hate because i would love to work with cosmetics!) i have been applying for everything i can and cannot remember what i applied for until i get a rejection letter back. it has been so demoralising and degrading for me, as i am very angry and upset with my two current jobs that they do not see me as suitable to give more hours to or give a promotion. i do not want to go in to that now because i will just get too angry and i do not want my blog to be that.

because of my crazy work schedule it has been difficult for me to have the motivation to sit down and write a blog post. i usually have some already done and saved in my drafts, but something went wrong and i now cannot find any of my draft posts, only my published, so for the time being i have none 'saved up'. again, this has made me angry and upset because i LOVE blogging, i cannot tell you how happy it makes me. this has been a part of my life for a while now and while i want to write as a profession i cannot do it all the time at the moment because i am too tired and angry every day to be able to write things. i feel like i know you guys, you have been here through this whole blog journey, and every one of you, all across the globe, whether you've read my blog once and not come back or whether you check it every day to see if something has been posted, you guys make this all worthwhile. i love writing reviews for you guys, or posts about things i have got, or even little catch up posts to keep you up to date with my life - that is what my blog is. and i love it.

this last week i have had some much needed time off work, and it has put some things in to perspective for me. whether it was when i was going on the scariest roller coaster i have EVER been on in Thorpe Park, or talking to Ben tonight about everything, i have decided i need a battle plan, something to keep me motivated, something to look forward to, whether it be a personal reward system for surviving a week at work, or setting myself a goal of applying for 3 jobs a day. i have decided enough is enough. i have gone too long now being overlooked and questioned every step i take, and now it is time for me to do something about it. i fooled myself in to thinking that things weren't happening because everything was shit, but now i realise i wasn't trying hard enough. if there was a time my tattoo was relevant now would be it. i cannot be shot down and i will not fall from it, i am titanium. also, for some reason, Keep Holding On by Avril has been playing on repeat and that has been motivational too. i want to blog, i want to write, i want to enjoy my job/s, i want to be living somewhere with Ben, i want to get married and have 14 children and 40 cats, but for now, i need to start small and work my way up.

my battle plan is only a rough outline at the moment, but everyday i want to look at it and say yeah, i did something today that will help me achieve x y and z. from now on, i want to blog my heart away, because i feel like no matter how bad i feel blogging makes me happier. i will try and post at least twice, sometimes maybe three times a week, and every day i will wake up and say no i may not enjoy my job but i have two, i am very very lucky to have two, it pays my bills, it allows me to buy nice things for myself and for Ben, and it keeps me busy. if times get tough, if people have been bitching about me behind my back at work, i will take a step back and breathe. thats another thing, if you don't follow me on instagram i will tell you now - i am getting a new small tattoo, one that wasn't originally on my list. it will simply be 'breathe' in script on my left wrist about a thumbs length down. i have scars there, and although i already have script on that arm, i want to see the word, i want to know what it means, and i know it will help me. so i am getting that booked too soon, hopefully!

i am sorry this has been a slightly different catchup post to my usual, but i owed you guys something, from now on, i will try my best not let one thing affect another. and i will strive to make my battle plan work. and i know i will always have you guys to help me and support me, so thank you for that.

i have a post planned for tomorrow, so keep an eye out for that, and i love you all. night night!
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