Tuesday, 22 July 2014

ME | body confidence

most of you who read this will probably know me quite well by now. you know that there are some aspects of my life that i want to share and i want people to know, so that someone out there who is going through a similar thing knows they are not on their own. i have wanted to do a post like this for a long time, but i haven't been confident enough in myself to do it. but i feel the time is right.

you will know i was a self harmer. i self harmed for three years on my arms and predominately on my legs. for that reason, i hid away and never went out with shorts or skirts or anything because i was afraid someone would see what i had done. it has been nearly 2 years now since i did anything like that to myself, and i am proud of how far i have come. that is one aspect of my life, a chapter if you will, that i have closed and i pray to never revisit. i will always bear my scars, but instead of being ashamed of them i am proud. i am proud to have overcome such awful times in my life, to have come out shining. sure, since then i have gone through things, but i believe nothing in my life will ever be as bad as those three years. i do not care if people see my scars now, proven by the fact i got a tattoo right underneath my most terrifying one on my wrist. i am not afraid to walk around in a bikini on holiday, i am not afraid to walk around in shorts or skirts, i am not afraid anymore. that was one step i had to take in accepting myself - accept my past and what happened and learn how to move on from it. although i am not ashamed of my scars, i occasionally use bio-oil to try and reduce the redness, and it has worked some form of miracle. my scars are now a white/pink colour instead of glaring red, so i can see them and one who looks head on can see them, but walking around i won't be pointed at or stared at. although that doesn't bother me, it isn't nice to face. so for anyone who wants to get rid of the redness, or reduce the inflammation, or any scars or stretch marks - bio-oil is the thing for you. i swear by it. no, it isn't cheap, but it lasts a damn long time and it works bloody miracles. when i first got it, nearly 2 years ago, just after a passed a month of no harming, i used it every day, and i think that is why they are so good now. when i use it, i use it morning and night for a few days, and it just keeps the colour reduced. with repeated use, like i did to begin with, it is honestly a god send.

another step i had to take was accepting that a year ago, before my exams, i was a size 8/10 and now i am a solid 14 (a 16 if i want something baggy). i comfort eat, i always have, but when i was in school i cut down on my eating, i was walking a lot every day, i was smoking a lot more than i am now, and there was a lot more pressure (or i felt that there was) to be skinny. i was surrounded by skinny, beautiful friends, who had flat stomachs and curves where it mattered, and anyone else i saw around sixth form or around school. i even felt pressure when i saw year 9's, and that was a very self destructive mind set to be in. i dropped to 10st and a size 8 in new look and 10 in everything else. i felt great. i have a flat stomach and curves in the right places like my friends. i still felt fat compared to them, but i was flatter than i had ever been and it was wonderful. then came crunch time, and the fact i hadn't done work for 2 years hit hard when my 18 exams came around and i knew nothing so i started eating and i didn't stop, and haven't stopped. i am now over 13st and a size 14 everywhere, and i don't 'hate' it, i am just uncomfortable. however, unlike before, i am not in the same environment so i do not feel the same pressures i used to. i work in jeans and safety boots nearly every day - skinny doesn't matter in my work environment, product knowledge does. because i haven't been in a social environment like before i have just eaten what i want when i wanted to. sure, i would like a flatter stomach, and that is something i could change so easily but i don't feel the need to. i saw a programme called Loose Women the other day, not something i watch, but Zoella was on there so OBVIOUSLY i watched (love her so much god damn her face WCW much?!) and they were talking about body confidence on there and how when you have been with someone for  along time you get 'lazy' and not watch what you eat as much anymore because you know the person loves you regardless. in a way i agreed, my weight does not bother Ben in the slightest (he can fireman lift me mmmmmm sorry off track!) but i don't think i have gotten lazy - i just don't care anymore, and i think there is a big difference. lazy would be ordering every night, not caring is having a proper meal but having a bowl of nachos afterwards with a film, which we do. i do a lot of walking and running around the warehouse at work, so i am burning more calories than i used to when i was just at Moda, but i don't think i am 'lazy'

the other step i had to over come was dressing for my body type. god damn i HATE models on websites, even something like new look i think the models are too skinny and the plus sizes models are plus size, there is no in-between for someone like me. i am not fat and i am not skinny. i am not curvy but i am not flat. i am very much a cross between an hourglass and a pear. i am bottom heavy with a larger bootay (the one thing i am so so proud of is my bum thank you ballet and unintentional squats at work) but with a skinny waist. that is one thing i have always kept is my skinnier waist, regardless of the fact i have a muffin top, i have a skinny waist. i have had to learn very quickly not to be affected by models in magazines or on websites because they are just paid to pose. models will always be skinny, nothing will change that. no matter how hard people battle models will always VS models. so over the years, and especially the last year, i have had to learn what styles suit me best. i learnt late, just like i did with makeup, because my mother never showed me anything. that is one thing i will do with my baby girl is teach her, because i didn't have it, and i was a late bloomer and i hated it more than anything. peplums and floaty blouses seem to be where i instantly look when i go on websites because they sit right on me, and i like the way they look on me. i have been through every stage of fashion - emo, all black, all pink, leggings and jumpers, shorts and crop tops, dresses every day, neon colours, all sailor everything...i have done it all. i have now found a perfect balance in my wardrobe - a little of everything, but in a style that suits me. and i am in a good place when it comes to my fashion sense. no, i may not be able to keep up with all the latest trends, and one day i will be able to afford to and i will love that, but what i have i am more than happy with.

there are some things i would like to change - i would like to get in to fruit infused water, i would like to exercise more, i would like to stop snacking, but until i feel ready i don't feel the need to. it is not a necessity to my mental state like it used to be. and i like that. the idea of this post kind of drifted off, but i wanted to share where i was and where i have come, and to let you know that if you feel the same then by god you are not on your own in any way! do not think you are! believe me, at 19, i have gone through more than most adults will in a life time, and i hate that, but it is part of me and part of who i am now. my body is simply one aspect of that, but because i am accepting my past i am accepting my present and i think that is important. it has taken me a long time to accept my past, to come up with coping mechanisms for when something comes in my head and all i want to do is sit in a dark room and cry with evanescence or keep holding on playing, but i am here now, and i am alive. i am comfortable in my body and that is all because of how i have grown. and you will too.

*if you have been affected by anything in this post then please contact me via my email. your email will remain anonymous to me and will not be shown to anyone, i do not want you to feel on your own*

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