Monday, 18 August 2014

ME | my education/life choices debate

DISCLAIMER : this is not my usual post so you do not have to read, i just need to put this somewhere.

recently i have been having some conflicting emotions about my education and whether i have done the right thing. as you all know, or will now know, i didn't pass my sixth form education, and did not get in to uni, and instead of going to college i worked two jobs, and have until a month ago. when i found out bens college result (triple star distinction) and that he had gotten in to his college/university course i was so so happy for him, and am so proud of how far he has come in his education. however, after having a talk with his mum and dad whilst i have been over this week i have been asking myself - have i done the right thing in working until i am 21 and then applying for uni, or should i have gone to college this september?

i knew when i got my results that i didn't want to go straight in to college or go back to sixth form as i knew it wasn't the right thing for me then. i didn't feel emotionally or mentally ready for it. it wasn't necessarily the fact that i had failed, it was the fact that over the two years i had seriously let myself down. when ben started talking about courses and loans and grants for college i started to think should i go back, but decided not to, as i had already made the decision to wait until i was 21 and then apply to uni as a mature student. i have always wanted to go to uni, i just had to find a different path and that seemed the best way for me.

however, bens dad said something to me when we were talking about one thing and another and it made me think have i made the right decision. he said why wait until you are 21 to go back in to education, why not go to college, get another section of education under my belt and then go to uni? i obviously have technically got a sixth form qualification, it just wasn't enough to get in to university, so why not go to college and do english or media and have another qualification? surely it would put me in better stead when eventually applying for university? obviously i know there are more logistics to think about - mainly like the fact i am 19 now so would have to pay for college - but also the fact that i am still living at home and am working nearly every day of the week on a regular basis to support my living. if i went to college i wouldn't be able to do that and so i would be short of money even more so than i am now. and with so much to pay for, like phone and transport and the bits and bobs a lady needs every month, i wouldn't be able to afford to go back down to a smaller hour contract. (and now typing this i have broken a nail so i am going to need some more nail strengthener!!)

last year it seemed like the right thing to do - work for a few years, sort my head out and then go back to education - but now my head is worse than it was a year ago, i am back to some old and self destructive ways, i am in a worse off financial situation, i am living in a household that i have outgrown and amongst many other things i am feeling lost. did i make the right decision a year ago, and am i making the right decision now? is living just to work the right thing for me when i am in the head i am? i don't know. 

i don't think it is just this that is getting to me, and i don't want to sound ungrateful right now because i more than am, but it feels like (right now) ben feels like he has it worse and i don't understand why. he works two jobs, just like i did, but he works both of his on a weekend, and one of them on a friday night - meaning he has all week off. i get he is tired and grumpy, and i always do what i can to make it better for him, but friday was my first day off in 8 days, and i am not getting another one off for 5 i believe now. my job is physically demanding, and i am in a fucking metal warehouse in this heat too which is draining. not only that, but bens jobs are 1) round the road, so a 1 minute walk, and 2) a 5/10 minute drive away. i have to spend £20 a day to get to work, and then when i am there i am only earning about 10/15 when i take that 20 away, it doesn't feel worth my time. i need to pass my driving and get a car, but i can't afford to, because i am paying for taxis everyday, and i barely get to see him because i am working all fucking hours of the week every blooming day. i know he is tired, and believe me i completely understand, i worked 2 jobs for 10 months and i hated it, i never wanted to wake up in the morning, but he has the week off in which he does nothing but relax (good for him he deserves it, but i cannot remember the last time, after these few days because they have been different, that i have slept in past 9 because of my little brother or been able to afford to go for a night out, or spend evenings with friends, or have a night where i don't argue with my parents about something. i want to be living here, and paying rent to a family that cares about me, but i can't and i am stuck at home) i love him more than my own life, and believe me when i say i mean that, but i don't get where he comes from sometimes. he has a loving home, with loving parents, a job that pays fortnightly that is a minute from his house, and he has the prospect of getting even more of a education.

i just feel very lost at the moment - both in my head and about my education - and i feel i have no one to speak to. i haven't had a reply from any counselling places i have emailed and called, my family do not even care in the slightest, ben wouldn't understand, my friends and i have drifted away and even they wouldn't understand - i just need a break. i need to be able to think about what is right for me and i do not have that opportunity. any time i start to think about my decisions, everything comes in to my head, like money and my living situation and my job, and suddenly i am sat in my bed in a pool of tears unable to think of anything. i don't know what to do right now. 
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  1. When I got out of high school I had a two year gap to think about what the hell I wanted to do with my life. Long story short it didn't help! I was more confused than ever. Then one day I stumbled across a quote by Babe Ruth, "Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game." I figured I was taking my self out of the game before I even started. Before I even tried. So I guess you can say that it's my motto now. Sometimes you have to think about what you want to do with your life. I know it's scary as hell! I totally understand where you are coming from I was 20 going on 21 when I came to the realization that I needed to start my life the way I wanted to. The hard part is you have to be the one who makes the decision because its what you want, not what you want others to tell you. It took me while to get to where I am but it was the best decision I ever made. There are always going to be reasons why you can't do something that's just the way life is. Things get in the way money becomes a problem, transportation, I am also included in that, but I feel like overcoming those obstacles and working hard for the life you want is way more fulfilling.

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