Sunday, 28 September 2014

CATCH UP | just a short one.

it has been a while since i posted, and been a while since i have been able too. like always life takes a front seat and i haven't been driving very well. it always seems to be one step forward and 5 back at the moment and i am not dealing very well.

i want to keep this post short because i don't know how well i will be able to manage to hold myself together whilst writing this. i will give you a list of some of the things that are going on because i don't want to go in-depth, i can't right now. so, last week was the first time in a month i have seen ben and i don't know when the next time will be and it is taking a real toll on our relationship because i just want to see him and can't, ben lost someone today and neither of us are coping at all i haven't stopped crying and i feel useless because i can't be there to support ben and our family, i don't know where i stand with my family or my job, i am going back to counselling, my harming thoughts are getting louder, i am shopping excessively to try and suppress those thoughts, for the foreseeable future i will still be living at home, i am not sleeping my hair is falling out, my skin is atrocious, i want to eat everything in the cupboard but at the same time i am not hungry, my anxiety is getting worse so that i am now finding it difficult to start conversations with customers which is one of things i felt i was most good at within my job, i am not coping with anything, my sleep is irregular and disrupted, my mum is going through a lot but i am tired of everything being about her like no one else has problems, i work so much and feel like i get nothing out of it because it all goes on bills and paying people and getting to work and i can't afford to spend a lot on my myself even though i have worked very hard for it but obviously this month is different and i haven't stopped shopping because it is my aversion tactic and i miss my boyfriend the one person in my life i need and i can't see him or have him and i hate it.

so yes, i have a lot going on, and i want to apologise if i don't post a lot, i just can't at the moment, i haven't got the energy to.

however, i hope you're all okay, and school and university is going well and that pay day has treated you nicely!
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