Friday, 14 November 2014

CATCH UP | having feelings sucks

hey guys, so as you probably know from previous posts i don't like to use my blog as a way of ranting, but i just have so much going on in my head and so little time available to think about it i just needed somewhere to write everything down thats been going on in my silly little head recently. 

as you guys all know i have recently been trying to move out, and in an ideal situation i would move in to my own flat and pay my own bills and ben could live with me or i could get a two bedroom place with a friend, well one of bens friends cause all my friends are at uni, and everything would be fine and i would finally be living my life. so i decided to go with room rent/flat share options however, one things leads to another and every time something goes wrong and it doesn't happen and, recently i got let down twice in one day and it has just broken me. because it became such a big thing for me and i tried saving and i was looking at how much i would have to spend on homeware and contacting people and trying to make it work and it just never seems to happen. so i feel stuck in a rut. my problem is where i have to spend so much on transport, despite doing a million hours over time i just never seem to have enough money. now, don't judge me and say 'oh well you bought this and that blah blah etc' yes i am well aware that for a couple of months i have every now and again treated myself, but when you work as much as i do, and probably a lot of you out there do, when you work 30+ hours a week i just want something to show for it. i pay for my phone bill and rent and some food and transport and shampoo and conditioner and everything myself, and i just wanted something to show for all that hard work that i had been doing. so yeah, i haven't been able to save. i also feel like it isn't something ben wants to do, which has really put a down on me. you guys will probably think that we have only been together a short time, and i guess that is true. but i have been friends with him for exactly 2 years now, and we have been together 18 months. i know that is still a short time, but we know probably most things about each other and i know staying over each others house is different to living together, but there have been a few times where i have stayed longer than a few nights and we have been just fine. obviously with every relationship there are kinks that need working out, and i know he does want to move out and live with me in the future, but it isn't what he wants now. and that is really getting to me. he knows how much this moving out thing means to me, and don't get me wrong he has been very supportive, but living with him is what i want, and with both of our pay checks we would be able to afford it. i just feel like he keeps giving me excuses and he won't give me a straight answer as to why he won't move out with me. if it is college or work he is concerned about then he shouldn't be, living in dorchester will be beneficial, as he can get a bus straight to college and a train straight to work. if i can't move in with them, then why can't he move out with me? getting out of this house and starting my life is the most important thing to me right now, and although he has been supportive in his own way, it doesn't seem like he is doing a lot. yes, he is on the other end of the phone and he has offered to come to viewings with me and such, but that is it. i just want to start my life, and after having been addicted to Kate on YouTube(aka DollyBowBow) it is something i want more. i want to start our lives together and move out of this house and do what so many of my friends have already done and leave this place. and it just feels like that at every turn there is something that is holding me back, something stopping me from doing it, whether it be money or ben or being let down or my family - it is just all a bit too much for me right now. i know it seems like such a small thing to be upset about, but to me right now it is everything and it has been that way for a while. i didn't go to uni because of my own stupid mistakes, so my friends all moved on and left, and i felt left behind, and i have outgrown this house and this life and i just want a new one, to start a new one, whether thats in a completely new place or with ben or with a new job - just something. i am stuck in a rut and moving out is my first step. 

i know this was long winded and just a load of waffle, but i have just had so much going on in terms of moving out and moving on i just needed to write it down somewhere. i keep getting let down in so many aspects of my life, and for once, just once, i want to hope that something turns out right for me. 

again, as some of you will know, i was a self harmer for three-four years, and although i got better mentally which meant i stopped, i never fully recovered. recently, in the last couple of months, things have been bad for me and i have resorted back to my old ways. although i am very happy to talk about my past experiences because i feel they have helped shape me as a person, when it comes to the now i haven't told anyone (well...now i have, i have told the whole internet, but its different) i won't go in to the reasons why i felt it necessary for me to start using that as a coping mechanism again, that is for my brain to figure out, but i hope that one day, when i am better and i am happy and healthy i will be able to help others in the way i wasn't helped. i want to give people the support and care and attention that they need when they are going through something as self destructive as this. one day i want to have the confidence to walk around with my scars on show and be proud of them, and to an extent i am at the moment, they are part of me and they have helped me become the person i am today, but not whilst my legs are this bad, not whilst they look like this. please, small disclaimer right here, if you think i am writing this for attention or its a cry for help, then please just leave now because this couldn't be further from the truth. i want other people to know that they are not alone, and that i am just as human as everyone else, i just have a different coping strategy to others, and although it is not in the least bit ideal, i am working on it, i am working on getting better and being okay and not relying on this. but please, if you are struggling with something, then contact me on my email - it would be anonymous and i wouldn't talk to anyone about it (who do i have to tell quite honestly) even if it is just to have someone there on the other end of a line, then i am here. because i get it. i honestly get it. no, i didn't have a bad start in life, the only thing wrong with my childhood was the way my mother kept me in the dark and left me naive to everything about everything, and it was that naivety that escalated some of my problems. some of my problems are self inflicted (and no i don't mean the harming right now but other things) i don't know what the turning point was for me when i decided that self harm was my escapism, but it did, and now 6 years later here i am, still with the same escapism method. with everything that has been going on recently, it just happened. i regret every morning, but for that one moment everything is clear - and then it all crashes over me like a tidal wave again.

i didn't mean for this post to turn out this long, but i just wanted to write it all somewhere. if anyone has been affected by the issues spoken in this post then please contact me. i am only human, and with so much going on in my head at once i just needed to write something down. so apologies. you don't have to read this, i haven't even read this back. so it probably isn't coherent in any form. normal posting will resume shortly anyways i hope, look out for some christmassy bits soon!!

and apologies.

again.
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