Monday, 25 January 2016


Wow. We are here. The New Year has arrived, January is nearly over and another year has gone. Life has really passed me by this year and that scares me, and as I enter the New Year I am worried about the year ahead. I was so sure of what I wanted last year and I worked so so hard to get there - I just wanted to move out and live on my own - but I am not sure what I want from 2016. The start of 2016 has been difficult already for me, and sat here listening to sad songs (as all us women do but never admit to - listening to sad songs when we feel sad and then feeling worse case the sad songs make us sadder) I realise that although good has happened the past year, it is also tainted with sadness. I tried to make a list of all the things that I can remember happening this year, and I still have no clue what I want from this new year. I don't want to make promises to myself because I know with all I have going on and coming up I cannot commit to anything, and I have a lot in my head so I cannot have one more thing to think about. I made a promise last year to myself to move out and I achieved that, but this year I don't know. 

I didn't want this to be a sad post, because for so many the new year signals a new start in some way. But for me, the new year is a time of reflection and uncertainty. Small triumphs from the past year seem pointless and big changes seem life changing. 2015 changed me - I grew up and became an adult, and I forget I am still only 20. I expect so much from myself and from those around me and I am losing people I care about because of it. I ask too much and want too much. But I am not scared of hard work. I proved that when I took this job, and I have just survived Christmas and sale, so a pat on the back for me. I don't know what this year holds for me, and I don't know what I want out of the year - all I know is that I want to just be some sort of happy - not a fake happy that I always am, not a forced smile or a forced laugh, I want to be a little happy, to take comfort in the small pleasures, be shown that someone cares about me and isn't scared of commitment, keep old friends and make new ones, go out more and party like a 20 year old should - just be happy. Despite my concerns for my own 2016, I wish you all the very best for the new year, and thank you all for the support you have shown me this past year and for being here through thick and thin. I am trying to get myself in some sort of order so that I can come back and get posting again because I do miss it - it was a creative outlet for me. Happy New Year everyone, and I wish you all the best in the new year. Here is my list of things that happened in my 2015.

  • Moved jobs twice - from Screwfix to Mole Valley to Accessorize
  • Lived in three different places - Alice Road, my parents house and my flat
  • Rented my own flat and paid my own bills (and bought my own Christmas Tree)
  • I accepted the fact I am 6ft
  • My sister turned 18 this year...
  • But she also broke her ankle so couldn't celebrate properly (she now has metalwork)
  • I spent weeks trying to reverse my hair colour and go back to blonde
  • And then went red again!
  • I then cut it all off for charity on the 3rd of July
  • Hearing that my future father-in-law was diagnosed with terminal cancer in March, and then him passing on 27th of September
  • I moved in to my flat that day too
  • I started writing stories and poetry again after too long
  • I bought hair extensions
  • I became an assistant manager to a wonderful group of people
  • I went to the O2 for the first time with my friends Kim and Andy
  • I celebrated 2 years with Ben in May
  • Got more tattoos (and planned even more)
  • Made a tattoos video on YouTube
  • Bought 3 sippy cups with no regrets
  • Realised I have a claim to fame - I lost in a talent show in middle school to Isaiah Dreads
  • Sold an iPad 2 and bought and iPad Mini
  • Completed my DVD collection - I now own nine seasons of the US Office, aka my favourite show ever
  • Admitted I have a guilty pleasure - High School Musical and Twilight (yes, I am a Twinerd, and what?!)
  • I overcame my chronic nail biting
I wish you all every happiness in the new year, and I shall try and endeavour to post and be online more often. I have found recently that I have been more depressed than usual, but I am working through it, concentrating on work and my flat and looking forward rather than back. 

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