Sunday, 18 March 2018

HAVING SELF DOUBT

I always try to be open and honest about things, whether it is on here or in person. I spent a long time keeping everything to myself and it did not do myself or anyone else any good. I was very frank and honest about some struggles that I had in school and last year in my SELF LOVE post, and since then I have started to accept my life and myself.

But now I have self doubt.

Doubt can come in many forms - doubt about your job, doubt about finances, doubt about your abilities, doubt about love you receive or give out, doubt about your body, or your diet, or your friends, or your family...every one has some level of doubt in their life, whether it is small and barely noticeable in their every day life or big and massive and day-altering. 

At the moment, I am suffering from a huge amount of self doubt from most aspects in my life. Though the external factors are unintentional and they don't realise it is happening or causing it, it is there and I have been struggling. I always have self doubt, and that comes from the many years (too many) of being bullied. And I punished myself for it because I thought I was the one to blame. The doubt started there.

I have begun to accept myself and my surroundings for who/what they are - I am starting to accept myself and my body and its constant changes, I am starting to accept the love I think I deserve (yes I just quoted the "Perks of being a Wallflower". Side note - great book), I am starting to accept my financial situation and live within my means, I am starting to accept that although I have some incredible curves I will never be as "skinny" or "pretty" as other people. 

You can have self love and self doubt - the two are not at opposite ends of the spectrum. I am starting to love myself, but I still doubt whether it is a person someone can love. 

It is the doubt in my life that I have been struggling with, and that has been bringing me down. It is accepting that it is okay not to be okay, but still doubting yourself and thinking "will I ever be okay?" I know there are people out there who will help me, but it is thinking "do they really understand?" I know I have a stable work position, but it is thinking "do I want to stay here forever?" I know I am loved, but it is thinking "why haven't I found my forever person?" 

Self doubt comes in many forms for many different people. And feeling doubt is okay. You can accept it for a while, and acknowledge it (because acknowledging the problem is part of the solution). I am just struggling. And that is okay. But I wanted to write this post, to open up, share some feelings, to be truthful. Life is a journey, it is okay to have a few bumps along the way.



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